There's been some discussion in the O/p group on Fet about telling the truth even when it's something your owner doesn't want to hear. I didn't contribute much. All I said was that I'm balls at it.
And I am.
I'm worse than that.
I have not been good to the Captain lately. I have acted in ways I am deeply ashamed of. I have hurt him.
I haven't been telling the truth. I haven't been telling him Hey, holy shit, the meds aren't working and I'm hurting and fucked up and I hate myself and I know I'm not allowed to physically hurt myself, so I'm going to lash out and act like an asshole until you're so hurt you hurt me back and I can feel like I'm getting what I deserve. I haven't been saying There are things that scare me and worry me and that I hate and resent and I should have said so years ago but I never wanted to upset you so here we are and I'm a jerk. I haven't been saying much of anything that I should have.
So here we are. We're muddling through. He's hurt. I'm mortified. We're still together.
We always will be.
It's a complicated and difficult thing to tell the truth when they don't want to hear it and you aren't sure you want to tell it.
ReplyDeleteAnd having a new baby is really freakin hard on mothers and relationships, even if you don't have 3 other little kids and other stresses. Go easy on yourself, no one is perfect.
Life is complicated, and so are people. Sometimes it's really easy to hurt those we love in a bad way but the thing is, it's easy to be in love when things are easy. The strength between you and the Captain is that you're still in love even when things aren't. It's okay to be mortified and guilty - if you weren't it would mean you didn't love him.
ReplyDeleteAnd like Sin said...new babies complicate things even more, even your fourth when you feel like you should have it down pat. Especially kiddos with health issues. That doesn't mean it's your son's fault - it just means your human and react to stressors.
"Hey, holy shit, the meds aren't working and I'm hurting and fucked up and I hate myself and I know I'm not allowed to physically hurt myself, so I'm going to lash out and act like an asshole until you're so hurt you hurt me back and I can feel like I'm getting what I deserve."
ReplyDeletei am an occasional lurker. but i felt the need to comment... i am not in an O/p relationship but i do have a few friends i like to play around with. i tried to explain to a partner why i thought our games were progressing into unhealthy territory. essentialy i wanted him to hurt me cause that seemed more acceptable than me hurting myself. i never knew other people felt the same way.
i hope things look up for you soon :)